A confused weather front named Storm Floris has reportedly done more to tackle small boat crossings in one blustery afternoon than the entire British government has managed since Brexit became a lifestyle brand.
Meteorologists confirmed yesterday that winds topping 80mph and waves the size of Yorkshire tea adverts had temporarily halted all small boat crossings across the Channel, leaving Downing Street frantically Googling “how to appoint a storm to the Cabinet.”
“We’re deeply impressed with Storm Floris,” said one Home Office official, polishing a novelty mug that reads ‘Strong Winds, Stronger Borders’. “Frankly, if it had joined Labour’s frontbench, we’d be halfway to Australia by now.”
Sir Keir Starmer, meanwhile, was last seen trying to shake hands with a tornado near Dover. Eyewitnesses say he offered it a ‘pragmatic five-point plan’ and was promptly blown into a crab pot.
Critics have long accused the government of talking tough while doing very little, though Storm Floris has shown that gusty inaction may be the most effective policy yet. “It turns out,” said an aide, “if you want to stop people crossing the Channel, all you need is a hurricane and a lack of lifeguards.”
Reports suggest several right-wing newspapers are already in talks to replace Suella Braverman with a low-pressure system off the coast of Normandy.
In a statement, the Met Office warned that Storm Floris is expected to move northwards, possibly reaching Rochdale by the weekend. Locals have been advised to stay indoors, preferably with a brew and the smug sense of watching government policy being outperformed by weather.
