Paul Waugh, MP for Mild Disappointment and a lack of scandal, has been photographed indulging in recreational nitrous oxide use on World Pancreatic Cancer Day, a move his office insists was part of a “deeply moving and entirely misinterpreted” tribute to cancer detection innovation.
Eyewitnesses at the scene reported seeing Waugh “off his trolley on laughing gas” outside a Westminster wine bar, clutching a balloon like an emotionally unstable children’s entertainer. While many assumed this was just another Friday in British politics, Waugh later claimed he was “road-testing a pioneering new cancer breathalyser”.
“I met with Pancreatic Cancer UK at Labour conference and was inspired,” said Waugh, through a helium-induced falsetto. “This wasn’t hedonism, it was research. I was simulating the exhalation patterns of a man riddled with undiagnosed tumours.”
The device in question, developed with a £650,000 investment from the charity, is a breath test aimed at detecting early signs of pancreatic cancer. It is not, however, known to involve inhaling nitrous oxide, giggling uncontrollably, or falling into a kebab shop bin while dressed as a hedge fund manager.
A spokesperson for Pancreatic Cancer UK appeared bemused. “We appreciate Mr Waugh’s enthusiasm,” they said, diplomatically. “But our test doesn’t currently involve balloons, rave culture, or any form of recreational drug use. Unless something’s gone very wrong in the lab.”
Backbench colleagues were divided, with one anonymously describing the incident as “exactly the sort of brave, disruptive cancer awareness campaign the nation deserves”, while another simply muttered “this is why we can’t have nice things”.
Meanwhile, a government inquiry has been launched to determine whether misusing charity breathalyser prototypes to chase a Friday night buzz constitutes a breach of parliamentary standards, or simply “relatable bloke behaviour”.
Waugh remains defiant. “If one person sees me inhaling something daft and thinks, ‘Maybe I should get my pancreas checked,’ then it’s all been worth it,” he said, moments before floating gently into a decorative duck pond.
Sources close to the MP added that, frankly, anyone would need to do a bit of gas after spending a working week in committee rooms with MP Elsie Blundell, whose conversational style has been described as “a prolonged exposure to policy-induced tinnitus”.
Reporting from down the M62, where local councillors are now insisting they too were “just testing breathalysers” at the Rochdale Gin Festival.
