Middleton is bracing for an economic ice age after it was confirmed the town’s last remaining bank will shut its doors in January, leaving residents with fewer cash machines than a 1970s youth hostel.
Once Halifax packs up its pens and laminated mortgage offers on January 8th, the town centre will be left with exactly two 24-hour cashpoints, both clinging for dear life to the Tesco superstore like barnacles on a slowly sinking financial trawler.
Local councillor Dylan Williams, who has apparently not yet lost the will to fight capitalism armed with a clipboard, has proposed that Middleton should have cashpoints “every half-a-mile”, a bold move that would see the town covered in more ATMs than Greggs.
“Not everyone does online banking,” Williams pointed out, presumably while holding a trembling pensioner who’s just tried to buy a corned beef pasty with a tenner and been laughed out of the shop. “And not everyone has a car to drive to Rochdale to find a bank, assuming Rochdale still has one by the time we finish this sentence.”
The closures come on the back of a wider national culling of high street banks, with over 6,700 branches vanishing into thin air since 2015. Most are now believed to be working part-time as vape shops or anxiety clinics.
In response, some towns have opened “banking hubs”, a sort of financial AA meeting held in the back of a Post Office, where different banks take turns popping in for a brew and a balance check. Heywood has one. Middleton might get one. Rochdale is currently in talks with a badger.
Meanwhile, the town’s residents are facing a nightmarish logistical puzzle: how to withdraw cash when the shopping centre is shut and the only two remaining ATMs are busier than a Blackpool arcade on 10p-a-go day.
Social media has exploded with local outrage, mostly expressed in shouty emojis and mournful Facebook statuses. Sharon Leivers wrote, “That’s great for people who live close, but some pensioners now face a two-bus pilgrimage just to check their balance.” Rachel Greenwood added, “Four cash machines in a town of 50,000?! Absolute joke!! Sort it out!! 😡😡😡 xx”
In a last-ditch attempt to modernise, there are unconfirmed reports that Middleton may soon deploy a contactless goat to roam the high street dispensing small change and bleating financial advice.
Reporting from down the M62, we’ll be keeping an eye on the situation, assuming our last pound coin hasn’t expired from loneliness.
