A Labour MP has become the sole financial backbone of The Rochdale Times after purchasing a Business Directory listing, prompting widespread claims she now “personally pays every journalist’s wages, including Karl, who only writes about potholes.”
Elsie Blundell, whose £895 + VAT investment has shaken the very foundations of independent media (and briefly covered the cost of biscuits), is now being credited online as the de facto employer of The Rochdale Times, an institution proudly reporting from down the M62 based in Warrington, regardless of geography or basic cartography.
The purchase, which includes a dedicated promotional page featuring branding, testimonials, and the faint hope someone clicks the video link, has been widely interpreted as a full-scale media acquisition. Within hours, commenters declared the outlet “Labour-funded,” “state-controlled,” and “probably run from a secret office under Keir Starmer’s shed.”
“I just wanted a nice page explaining what I do,” Blundell reportedly said, staring at her bank statement as if it had personally betrayed her. “I didn’t realise I’d also be expected to approve headlines about feral seagulls and that one columnist who just reviews different Wetherspoons carpets.”
Staff at The Rochdale Times have responded swiftly to their apparent new benefactor. “If she’s paying our wages now, I’d like to formally request a raise,” said one freelance reporter, currently surviving on a mixture of lukewarm tea and re-writing council comms. Another added, “Does this mean HR finally exists, or is that still just Steve with a clipboard?”
Experts in media economics (a lad on LinkedIn who once used the word “synergy”) have confirmed that £895 does not, in fact, cover the annual salary of even one journalist, unless that journalist is being paid entirely in exposure and leftover office custard creams.
Nevertheless, the narrative has stuck. At time of publication, Blundell was believed to be reviewing her new responsibilities, which allegedly include editing opinion pieces, fixing the website login, and personally replying to a man named Colin who insists the bins were better in 1997.
The sponsored page is live, marking the first time in history a single advert has been mistaken for a hostile takeover and a payroll system.
