A fish fight of biblical proportions has broken out in Middleton after local chippy owners launched a petition to stop what they’re calling “the Codfather of corporate chip shops” from muscling into town.
Caroline and Paul High, proud custodians of the Middleton Fish Bar, a salt-and-vinegar-scented institution featuring a mural of local deity Paul Scholes, are waging war against Mother Hubbard’s, a national chain apparently hell-bent on deep-frying the town’s soul.
The new shop is set to open just yards from the Highs’ own fryer fortress, prompting fears that Middleton is about to be overrun by mass-produced mushy peas and budget fish fingers impersonating haddock.
“This isn’t just a chip shop war,” said Caroline, armed with a ladle and a righteous sense of community preservation. “This is a last stand for civilisation. Once they’re in, it’s only a matter of time before we’re all dipping frozen calamari in despair.”
Founded in 1972 in Bradford, a place where battered Mars bars are considered foreplay, Mother Hubbard’s now has over 47 outlets in the UK and is allegedly plotting fishy domination via 152 franchises.
The petition accuses the chain of threatening to “displace the character, charm, and unique offerings” of family-run grease emporiums like the Fish Bar, which has valiantly survived economic collapse, Brexit, Deliveroo, and Greggs.
“We’ve been here since the days when a chippy tea was still sacred,” said Paul, who once fried a sausage so perfectly it brought a postman to tears. “Now we’re up against a multinational haddock cartel with shiny signs and terrifying efficiency.”
Locals fear that if the chain takes root, Middleton’s high street will descend into a homogenous wasteland of beige food, contactless payments, and empty chip trays. “This is how the Romans fell,” muttered one pensioner, clutching a battered saveloy like a rosary.
Middleton Shopping Centre has declined to comment, presumably because they’re too busy installing a golden fryer throne for the incoming deep-fried overlords.
Supporters are urged to sign the petition, shop local, and resist the advance of the fish and chip Illuminati, before Middleton becomes just another cautionary tale in a world gone bland.
