In a move hailed as “revolutionary” by people who’ve never tried using government websites, Rochdale has proudly unveiled a brand new digital portal to help victims of crime, because nothing says “we care” quite like a sleek interface and a confusing login page.
The Greater Manchester Victims’ Services website, now live and ready to buffer, promises to support traumatised residents with a futuristic blend of clickable buttons, PDF downloads, and reassuring stock photos of smiling counsellors. The service is open to everyone: victims, witnesses, people who once saw an episode of Crimewatch, and, presumably, anyone who’s stubbed their toe near a Greggs.
“It’s about putting victims at the heart of the system,” said Deputy Mayor for Safer and Stronger Communities, Kate Green, while standing in front of a giant flowchart titled User Experience Journey. “We believe in empowerment—preferably of the self-service kind.”
The site features a secure portal where users can manage their own trauma in convenient dropdown menus. Victims can now choose whether they’d like sympathy, legal advice, or a small digital voucher for emotional resilience redeemable at participating Costa branches.
Caroline Lumsdon, Head of Service, added: “We offer support for anyone over the age of four. If your toddler’s been mugged, we’re ready with a virtual teddy bear and a chatbot named JusticeBot3000.”
Sceptics, however, have raised concerns about the platform’s efficacy, particularly after the site crashed within minutes of being launched following a surge of users trying to report the theft of their faith in the criminal justice system.
The police have welcomed the portal as “a great first step” in their wider strategy to move policing entirely online by 2030, with future plans to replace constables with AI-powered traffic cones and drone-based neighbourhood watch schemes.
In related news, the local constabulary’s actual crime-solving unit has been reclassified as a “legacy feature” and will soon be available as a plug-in for Internet Explorer.
