In a shocking turn of events, Parliament has finally acknowledged that people who nick tools from vans aren’t just having a cheeky borrow, they’re ruining lives. Rochdale MP Paul Waugh has taken a brave stand on behalf of local tradespeople, possibly after realising that van drivers are both registered to vote and very good at remembering faces.
The Sentencing Bill, now heroically passed after what experts are calling “sustained badgering”, will mean judges must treat tool theft not as petty larceny, but as an act of economic terrorism against anyone in a hi-vis vest.
“This isn’t just about spanners and drills,” said Mr Waugh, gripping a cordless Makita like Churchill with a cigar. “It’s about sending a message to the nation’s builders: ‘We see you. We hear you. And we know you’ve already quoted us for three kitchen extensions.’”
The new law requires judges to consider the emotional devastation of a plasterer discovering his van’s been emptied overnight. Victims will now be able to express the full horror of their ordeal, ideally while wearing dusty jeans and swearing profusely.
Repeat offenders will be banned from going within 100 metres of anything made by DeWalt, while community sentencing could include painting real fences instead of metaphorical ones. Some thieves may even be forced to attend events featuring acoustic folk music and £7 pints, which ministers assure will be “a fate worse than prison”.
Probation services will also be allowed to draw ‘tool-free zones’ on maps, marking places like Screwfix, Wicks, and anywhere that sells cable ties with ominous red circles. Early trials in Greater Manchester reportedly led to one thief being trapped inside a B&Q car park until his tag stopped beeping.
The Ministry of Justice hailed the move as “long overdue”, acknowledging that for too long the legal system had treated tool theft with all the seriousness of someone nicking a sandwich from a site fridge.
Meanwhile, Rochdale residents are broadly supportive. One local electrician told the Rochdale Times he was “dead chuffed” but added that if MPs really cared, they’d stop pretending VAT receipts are a surprise every March.
Still, with elections looming and tradespeople forming a key demographic somewhere between “essential workers” and “people who know what insulation actually does”, ministers are keen to prove they’re on the side of those who spend their days up ladders and their evenings Googling ‘lost receipt Screwfix returns’.
