Residents of Rochdale’s iconic tower blocks protest relocation plans, citing a suspicious correlation between “safety concerns” and suspiciously valuable real estate.
Outside the Tootal Building in Manchester this week, College Bank residents gathered in protest, waving banners, fists, and the last remaining copies of their tenancy agreements. The group accused Rochdale Boroughwide Housing (RBH) of attempting to “politely evict them under the noble guise of not wanting them to die in a tragic structural incident.”
The Seven Sisters, once the pride of post-war modernist optimism, now mainly used by property developers in PowerPoint slides about “development opportunities”, are allegedly unsafe according to a letter, some murmuring, and possibly a rogue spirit level.
RBH insists it is not trying to force people out. Rather, they’re just “gradually moving them out,” presumably with the same gentle urgency as a fire drill conducted by candlelight. Amanda Newton, RBH Chief Executive and part-time metaphorical fire warden, reassured residents: “The homes remain safe to live in whilst we work on finding you somewhere slightly further away and significantly more inconvenient.”
Residents, however, remain sceptical. Ann Jones, vice-chair of Save the Seven Sisters, told reporters: “This campaign has been going on for eight years. That’s longer than most people keep a phone contract. We’re not just going to wander off because someone’s waved a safety report in Comic Sans at us.”
Protestors allege that RBH has engaged in a campaign of what experts are calling “accidental asset stripping,” whereby homes mysteriously fall into disrepair until they’re no longer inhabitable, a process sometimes known in corporate circles as “regeneration by neglect.”
Ben Clay of the Greater Manchester Tenants Union stood beside demonstrators and declared that the buildings were structurally sound but suffering from chronic management-induced anaemia. “The blocks aren’t unsafe,” he said. “They’re just depressed. A coat of paint and a functioning lift wouldn’t kill anyone. Unlike, say, forcing people out of their homes using bureaucratic gaslighting.”
Meanwhile, RBH promises residents they will be given help moving, a summary of the safety report, and a complimentary tour of where they might be relocated, rumoured to be a field near Oldham with a view of a skip.
At press time, the task force meeting was still underway, with Greater Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham reportedly stuck between sympathising with the residents and pretending he hadn’t seen the latest RBH redevelopment proposal, which allegedly includes a rooftop gin bar and three floors of luxury apartments “for key workers called Rupert.”
RBH maintains that “no decision has been made” about the future of the blocks, though residents have noticed that demolition cranes tend to arrive long before decisions do.
