Reporting from down the M62, now apparently also from inside the Royal Lodge removals van
In a development that has stunned exactly no one who’s ever read the comment section of the Rochdale Times Facebook page, our very own humble news outlet, based in scenic Warrington and covering chaos down the M62, has been officially drafted in as Prince Andrew’s crisis PR team. Yes, that Prince Andrew. Yes, us. No, we don’t know why either.
Buckingham Palace confirmed this morning that the Rochdale Times would be taking the reins on Andrew’s public image rehabilitation, citing our “deep familiarity with scandal, poor judgement, and colourful local characters who absolutely insist it was all a misunderstanding.”
The official statement read: “His Royal Highness recognises the unique editorial tone of the Rochdale Times, iting sarcasm, gallows humour and the ability to turn utter catastrophe into content, as precisely the approach needed to rebuild public trust, or at least confuse it long enough to sell a book deal.”
The appointment follows King Charles’ decision to strip Andrew of his peerages, boot him out of the 30-room Royal Lodge, and effectively rebrand him as a Norfolk hermit with delusions of grandeur. Amidst this royal purge, the palace reportedly turned to the Times after a failed pitch from Hello! Magazine involving a photoshoot and a corgi.
“It was between us and a man in Accrington who runs a Facebook meme page,” said our Editor-in-Chief, moments before spilling a lukewarm Greggs coffee down himself in disbelief. “Apparently, someone on the palace team saw our piece about a Rochdale man who sued a squirrel and thought, ‘These are our people.’”
Sources say the Rochdale Times’ first initiative will involve launching a new column Andy’s Alibis, followed by a rebrand campaign centred on the slogan: “Prince-ish. Reformed. Occasionally shirtless, but never again in Pizza Express.”
A spokesperson close to Andrew said: “We believe the Rochdale Times can help reposition His Royal Whatever as a misunderstood uncle figure, think Del Boy meets Alan Partridge, but with slightly fewer mansions.”
Meanwhile, public reaction has been mixed, with many asking if this is the same paper that once ran a headline claiming a goose had been elected mayor of Littleborough (it was), and if Andrew realises satire is not legally binding.
The Rochdale Times has confirmed it will be operating from a mobile PR van and Karl will be parked just outside Sandringham, offering crisis communications, dubious moral support, and on-the-go pork pies.
As ever, we remain committed to truth, justice, and selling ad space to local kebab shops,now, apparently, while moonlighting as spin doctors for disgraced royalty.
