Residents of Rochdale are preparing to celebrate the birth of Christ and the arrival of stronger signal strength with equal enthusiasm, as EE blesses the town with the true meaning of Christmas: ultra-fast internet.
The announcement, made by EE in a tone suggesting they were delivering clean water to a war zone, confirmed Rochdale has been chosen as one of 20 mystical locations to receive the gift of 5G+ connectivity. Town leaders reportedly wept with joy as they realised locals could now livestream their the parents against grooming facebook live in 4K.
“We used to gather in town to hear carols and see the lights,” said one visibly moved resident outside the Rochdale Exchange Shopping Centre. “Now I can buffer a TikTok of a dog dressed as Santa without divine intervention.”
Engineers have been seen scaling lampposts and muttering incantations in binary to awaken the 5G spirits. Meanwhile, EE officials say this will allow shoppers to ‘stay connected to what matters’, by which they presumably mean repeatedly checking the price of AirPods in B&M.
Church attendance is expected to drop further this year as worshippers log into the Church of Infinite Scroll. The vicar of St Chad’s confirmed he’ll be preaching this Christmas via livestream, with a festive Snapchat filter and boosted audio courtesy of EE’s cathedral-grade connectivity.
The rollout, fast-tracked to coincide with the festive shopping surge, aims to ensure no one is left behind while queuing for three hours to buy a novelty Lynx Africa set. “We want to bring people together,” said EE’s Greg McCall, before disappearing in a puff of fibre-optic smoke.
Rochdale’s mayor is reportedly in talks to replace the town’s Christmas tree that was lit yesterday with a glowing 5G mast, citing its ability to provide both spiritual and signal bars.
If all goes well, residents hope to receive further biblical miracles in 2026, such as functioning buses and a cashpoint that isn’t on fire.
