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Charlotte Mellor hails divine supermarket intervention, begins plans for Aldi-themed shrine in back garden.
In what experts are calling “a watershed moment in post-Brexit spirituality,” 27-year-old Charlotte Mellor from Oldham has been anointed as Aldi’s official biggest fan, and is now one step closer to achieving full transcendence via the middle aisle.
The prestigious accolade, which comes with a black Superfan Card entitling her to a year’s worth of discounted German-affiliated groceries, was awarded after Charlotte demonstrated “total Aldi devotion,” including owning 17 Aldi-branded Christmas jumpers, a life-size inflatable Kevin the Carrot, and a tattoo of the Aldi logo where a tramp stamp used to be.
Aldi officials confirmed that Charlotte beat off over 600 other candidates, most of whom were disqualified for still shopping at Lidl on the sly.
“We felt Charlotte really embodies what it means to surrender one’s soul to the sacred forces of Specialbuys,” said Richard Thornton, Communications Director and part-time prophet of Aldi’s marketing temple. “Frankly, if she were any more Aldi, she’d be vacuum-sealed in a packet of 12.”
Charlotte was presented with her black card outside the Oldham branch, flanked by a crowd of nervous staff who’d been warned not to make direct eye contact lest they be converted. Clutching the card with trembling hands, she described it as “more beautiful than my niece’s christening” and immediately attempted to scan it on the forehead of a nearby pensioner.
Sources close to the Mellor family confirmed she has since redecorated her home in Aldi’s seasonal colour scheme and replaced all family portraits with product catalogue pages from December 2016, “the golden era of Aldi,” according to Charlotte.
Plans are now underway for Charlotte to be buried (eventually) in a biodegradable casket made entirely of Aldi own-brand couscous and Pinot Grigio. Until then, she intends to use her powers for good, chiefly forcing friends to queue for inflatable paddleboards they don’t want and judging strangers for buying branded ketchup.
Rumours that Lidl is assembling a rival disciple known only as “Barry from Barnsley” remain unconfirmed.
