In an ambitious new bid to lose the next election, Labour is reportedly toying with the idea of banning VPNs, those digital cloaks that let Brits pretend they’re in Belgium to watch Love Island: Uncensored or to access websites that haven’t yet been nationalised by Keir Starmer’s Ministry of Approved Thoughts.
The clampdown comes as VPN use in the UK rockets faster than a Northern Tory’s house price. Since the Online Safety Act came into force last week, complete with dystopian age checks, mandatory passport scans, and a faint smell of totalitarianism, VPN apps have soared to the top of the UK charts. ProtonVPN is now more popular than Instagram, Greggs, or shouting “WHERE’S THE BLOODY BUS?” into the void.
Labour frontbenchers, led by Rotherham’s Sarah “Clause 54” Champion, have previously suggested that VPNs are a serious obstacle to national safety, freedom, and Ofcom’s ability to monitor whether you’re googling how to spell fascism. According to Champion, “The Government must identify those issues and find solutions,” which is political code for “we’re banning it, but we’re going to make it look like we care first.”
Meanwhile, the Online Safety Act, a name so ironic it might as well wear a clown wig, has critics from all sides, including Reform UK’s Zia Yusuf, who now runs their “Doge unit” (possibly the only political department named after a 2013 meme). Yusuf warned that Britain is “descending rapidly into some kind of dystopia,” though did not clarify whether that dystopia includes an emoji tax or compulsory Ed Sheeran playlists.
The Act forbids platforms from even promoting VPNs, which is presumably why you can now buy one only by whispering a code phrase into a bloke’s ear behind the bins at Sainsbury’s.
Supporters claim the move is vital for “child safety”, though the only real casualties so far seem to be freedom of speech, personal privacy, and Barry from Barnsley’s late-night browsing habits.
Asked to comment, Shadow Home Secretary Chris Philp once again dusted off his “Two-Tier Keir” zinger, adding that Labour “can’t police the streets so they’re trying to police your thoughts instead” — before presumably returning to his job of proposing laws to arrest teenagers for dancing near vegan sausage rolls.
Rumours now swirl that Labour will also ban onions, sarcasm, and asking why the bins haven’t been collected. A government source close to Keir Starmer reportedly confirmed: “We simply cannot allow people to use the internet unless they’ve first uploaded their birth certificate, dental records, and a short essay explaining their views on the monarchy.”
In response, the nation has collectively downloaded NordVPN, bought a burner laptop, and started hosting dinner parties in the Dark Web.
