Locals are being warned that Heaton Park will be temporarily transformed into a “magical festive wonderland” this Christmas, also known as a mile-long opportunity to hemorrhage cash while your children scream about luminous reindeer.
Organisers of Northern Lights Manchester claim the park will feature “some of the UK’s top light artists,” which presumably means Barry from Bury with a van full of LED rope. Over a dozen illumination zones will allow families to wander through glowing shrubbery while dodging £9 churros and the haunting echo of Mariah Carey.
“It’s all about festive cheer,” a spokesperson said, while tightening the screws on the contactless card reader. “We’ve banned boring bratwursts and instead offer artisan nonsense like wild-boar hotdogs topped with truffle sprouts and regret.”
The route will take an hour to complete unless your toddler throws a wobbler at the fourth inflatable penguin. For those looking for romance, it’s marketed as ideal for “date nights,” which is perfect if your idea of passion involves frostbite and queuing for mulled wine with Karen from accounts.
Importantly, it’s a cashless event, because nothing says Christmas like not accepting the Queen’s face. Apple Pay and Google Pay are welcomed, as long as your phone hasn’t died from trying to Instagram every twinkly lamppost.
Access to the park will be restricted from 3pm, meaning local dog walkers can expect to be rerouted through Narnia or just aggressively herded into the car park by elves on zero-hour contracts.
Tickets range from £15 to £23.95 for adults, or one kidney and a box of Ferrero Rocher if you’re going as a family.
Reporting from down the M62, we’ll be staying home with a candle and a sense of dignity.
