In a stunning display of regional pride and public relations defiance, Manchester Airport has insisted it’s “not that bad, actually,” despite once again being rated the worst airport in Britain by Which?, a publication so middle-class it can detect the wrong brand of pesto from 50 paces.
The consumer watchdog, possibly fuelled by one too many Waitrose meal deals, placed Manchester Airport’s Terminal 3 dead last in its annual survey, awarding it a glowing one-star review for security queues, the kind of accolade usually reserved for soggy Greggs sausage rolls or government ministers.
Terminal 1 and even the newly polished Terminal 2 didn’t fare much better, leaving some travellers wondering if the £1.3 billion spent on the airport went entirely on anti-seating measures and a state-of-the-art queue lengthening machine.
“It’s just a bit of fun,” said Which? researchers while peering into the abyss of a Ryanair boarding gate at 4 a.m. “We just rank airports by how much they make people cry.”
Manchester Airport bites back, swears it’s got receipts
Responding with the gusto of someone who’s just been told their Tinder date didn’t turn up because they went to Liverpool John Lennon instead, Manchester Airport hit back, calling the Which? survey “narrow”, “outdated”, and “the Daily Mail of airport reviews”.
“We actually survey hundreds of people,” said a spokesperson, “though mainly after they’ve been tranquilised post-security.”
They also boasted that 97% of passengers now get through security in under 15 minutes, a claim supported by absolutely no one with a recent boarding pass and functioning memory.
Travellers weigh in: ‘It’s not terrible unless you need a seat, toilet, sandwich, smile or will to live’
Holidaymakers and business travellers alike have chimed in with tales of long walks, confusing layouts, overpriced coffee, and a general vibe of mid-life crisis dressed as a regional transport hub.
“It’s like if a bus station married a meat-processing plant and had a baby during a rail strike,” said one passenger who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being forcibly rebooked onto a flight from Luton.
Liverpool Airport smugly observes from the sidelines
Meanwhile, over in Merseyside, Liverpool John Lennon Airport, which scored a divine 78% in the same survey, has allegedly started printing its Which? rating on staff uniforms, boarding passes, and, in one reported case, the side of a baggage trolley.
“Security queue? What queue?” said one cheerful Scouser, moments before skipping onto their flight with enough spare time to knit a scarf and adopt a rescue dog.
Conclusion: Manchester Airport is not for the faint of bladder
While Manchester Airport continues to insist that it’s unfairly maligned and secretly beloved by 86.3% of the population (and 100% of people trapped in the multi-storey car park), Which? remains unconvinced.
As for the rest of us, we’ll continue to weigh our options: a soul-sapping but convenient flight from Manchester, or a slightly longer drive to Liverpool where the security staff don’t look like they’re trying to communicate exclusively through grunts and passive-aggressive sighs.
Whichever you choose, just remember, pack snacks, lower your expectations, and if in doubt, pretend you’re reviewing it for TripAdvisor. That seems to help.
