Andy Burnham’s dream of a slick, affordable, ‘London-style’ transport system is collapsing faster than a town centre prostitute after two WKDs and a kebab, as Rochdale’s surviving bus services trundle on through industrial action like wheezing relics of a failed GCSE group project.
With two-thirds of Bee Network buses sitting idle thanks to strike action by underpaid, overworked staff, Greater Manchester is once again relying on the noble efforts of Rochdale’s 406 and 163 routes, two brave little services now believed to be powered solely by fumes, good intentions and leftover Northern Rail timetables.
Burnham, who once proudly declared that capped £2 bus fares were the future, is now discovering that you can’t run a regional transport empire on loose change and charisma alone. Sources close to the Mayor report he’s had to downgrade his morning flat white to instant Nescafé and has started eyeing up his mayoral chains for potential pawn value.
“Obviously, we’d love to pay drivers a decent wage,” said a spokesperson while rifling through the back of a sofa in TfGM HQ. “But unfortunately, we spent the budget on giant vinyl stickers that say ‘Bee Network: Buzzing for the Future’ and a YouTube ad campaign featuring stock footage of trams.”
Passengers are being urged to check the TfGM website or divine their journey plans by interpreting cryptic omens, such as a fox licking a broken Oyster card or a Stagecoach driver weeping openly outside a Greggs.
Meanwhile, Burnham has called on unions and operators to “get back to the table”, presumably the same table now covered in IOUs, empty crisp packets, and a copy of Transport Policy for Dummies with the pages stuck together from spilled Red Bull and despair.
The Mayor has also reassured commuters that their £2 bus tickets are still valid on trams and trains during the strike, though this only applies if you’re travelling at 3:17 a.m. between Wigan and Narnia.
With more strikes announced for the end of the month, Greater Manchester commuters are advised to find alternative transport, including rollerblading, piggybacking, or simply embracing your new life in Middleton.
Reporting from down the M62, where the buses are fewer but the metaphors are plentiful, I’m your increasingly motion-sick correspondent.
