Parents in Middleton have been told to keep their kids away from the latest household menace, tiny decorative beads that can grow to the size of a council bin dispute once swallowed.
The beads, sold under names such as “jelly balls”, “sensory beads” and “Steve’s Discount Crystal Bollocks”, can swell up to 400 times their size after meeting liquid, making them only slightly less dangerous than a Friday night curry from Oldham.
Rochdale Trading Standards said: “If swallowed, these beads will absorb water from the body, expand and cause a bowel obstruction that may require surgery. Basically, it’s like giving your child a DIY gastric balloon animal kit for their intestines.”
One Middleton mum told us, “I thought they were just for decorating vases, then my toddler ate three and started inflating like a lilo. A&E said it was the most fun they’d had all week.”
The Office for Product Safety and Standards has now issued a national alert, warning parents and vulnerable adults alike. A spokesperson added, “We recommend keeping the beads away from anyone under five, anyone over 85, and anyone in Middleton generally.”
In a move of rare pragmatism, some parents have suggested leaving the beads out deliberately as a form of budget contraception. “If they’re lethal to kids, the obvious solution is not to have any more of the little sods,” said one father, already pricing up a bulk order from eBay.
Meanwhile, Greater Manchester Police confirmed they have seized several bags of the illicit orbs, which will now be repurposed as riot control devices. “Cheaper than tear gas, and funnier when the protesters swell up like cartoon hippos,” said an officer.
Reporting from down the M62, it remains unclear what Middleton will choke on next, but local sources suggest it’ll either be illicit fidget spinners or another dodgy sausage roll shortage.
