The government is set to debate the future of the probation service this week, after it was revealed that its current strategy of “crossing fingers and hoping for the best” might not be fit for purpose.
Michael Hoolickin, 27, was stabbed to death in Middleton by Timothy Deakin, a man already on licence for biting someone’s ear off,a red flag that apparently only became visible to the probation service once blood was involved again.
Despite failing drug tests and carrying on like a budget Mike Tyson tribute act, Deakin remained at large because, according to insiders, the probation service’s main method of supervision involves occasionally glancing at paperwork before filing it under “too hard, ask Brenda on Monday”.
MP for Heywood and Middleton North, Elsie Blundell, said: “Michael’s case shows the urgent need for reform. At present, the system only really kicks in once someone’s dead, which some might argue is too late. I’ve suggested the radical idea of intervening before the stabbing, but colleagues assure me that would create a dangerous precedent.”
The leader of the House, Alan Campbell, responded with the government’s trademark decisiveness by offering “thoughts”, which he clarified would be delivered in writing on Commons notepaper for extra gravitas.
Meanwhile, campaigners have launched a petition demanding an official apology from the government to families of victims killed by people supposedly under probation supervision. Sources close to Whitehall suggest the government may instead offer families a £20 voucher for B&M and a promise to “look into it, eventually”.
Of course, none of this would be making its way to Westminster were it not for the tireless campaigning of the Rochdale Times, which selflessly decided to champion the case after realising that “Probation blunder leads to murder” was the closest thing to clickbait catnip since “Local dog grows face like Simon Cowell”. Reporters down the M62 are already practising solemn nods for the inevitable documentary tie-in.
Garry Hoolickin, Michael’s dad, said: “Probation failures are costing lives every three days. If this carries on, they’ll need a loyalty card. Ten murders and you get a free inquest.”
The Home Office has reassured the public that lessons will be learned, most likely the same lessons they’ve been learning after every tragedy since 1992, but this time in a PowerPoint with new fonts.
