In a bold move to protect the cherished sightlines of a Heywood boozer most people didn’t realise had historical significance, Rochdale Council has denied planning permission for a garage extension on the grounds that it might mildly obstruct someone’s view of The Engineers Arms while reversing out of a parking space in 2047.
Volksmaster, a vehicle repair outfit nestled on York Street, made the fatal mistake of attempting to expand its workshop, presumably to fix more knackered Vauxhalls and generate this elusive concept called “economic activity”. The proposal, which included a modest garage bay and a container for bits and bobs, was met with the full, righteous fury of the planning department, who concluded it would “severely diminish the quality of the setting” of a pub described in one TripAdvisor review as “alright, but the carpet sticks to your shoes.”
The Council, clearly still on a high from saving a bin shed from becoming a pizza shop last month, thundered that the container, painted in the terrifyingly aggressive colour “dark green”, would cause visual disharmony in the townscape. A townscape that already includes six vape shops, three shuttered betting shops, and at least one mural of a defunct coal mine.
“It’s all about the heritage,” said a council spokesperson, adjusting a hi-vis jacket while standing in front of a bus stop advertising payday loans. “The Engineers Arms is a non-designated heritage asset. Which is basically like a heritage asset but without any of the paperwork or actual significance.”
Local residents were too bewildered to comment, though one passer-by, Gary from the chip shop next door, muttered something about not realising there was a garage there and asked if they did MOTs on mopeds.
Volksmaster, now facing the choice of either demolishing the garage or embarking on the Kafkaesque pilgrimage that is appealing to Rochdale’s planning tribunal, could not be reached for comment. Possibly because they were stuck trying to get planning permission for a new kettle.
Meanwhile, the Council has pledged to continue its vigilant defence of Heywood’s visual charm, starting with a crackdown on bins being left out “too enthusiastically” and a campaign to repaint post boxes in historically accurate shades of red.
