Boris Johnson was allegedly left “stunned, exhausted and questioning the point of monarchy” after a lunch meeting with Prince Andrew that reportedly involved unsolicited urban planning tips, a threat to Battersea Power Station, and a royal-sized ego.
According to author Andrew Lownie’s new book Entitled: The Rise and Fall of the House of York, Johnson, then Mayor of London and part-time Victorian tribute act, was invited to lunch by the Duke of York in what sources described as “the longest three hours of his life, including childbirth”.
Prince Andrew, who once claimed he couldn’t sweat but apparently can sweat the small stuff, allegedly turned up to the lunch with a list of demands that read like the fever dream of a Duke trapped in SimCity. These included bulldozing Battersea Power Station, flattening the Queen Elizabeth II Centre, and possibly installing a giant mechanical peacock where the Shard currently stands.
Johnson, initially optimistic that the meeting might involve fewer war crimes than lunch with Henry Kissinger, reportedly snapped when Prince Andrew complained about the size of a government building named after his own mother.
“Well, if it’s too small, it’s your mum’s fault,” Johnson is alleged to have quipped, before curling into a ball under the table and muttering something about becoming a republican.
A source close to Johnson later claimed, “He’s used to dealing with maniacs, but even he wasn’t prepared for Prince Andrew pitching a plan to turn Westminster into a waterpark.”
The book also quotes Johnson as saying, “I’m the last person to be a republican but, f**k, if I ever have to spend another lunch like that, I soon will be,” marking the first time in history Boris Johnson has ever been pushed leftwards by a royal.
Prince Andrew, meanwhile, continues to search for a route back to public life, though sources say the only doors open to him now are in Monopoly.
Reporting from down the M62, where the local council has just voted to rename all public toilets “The Andrew Rooms” out of sheer pettiness.
