In what experts are calling a bold leap into dystopian pantomime, the UK Government has announced the formation of a crack squad of officers tasked with scouring social media for anti-migrant rhetoric, or, as it’s more commonly known, “a Tuesday night in the Facebook comments under a Daily Mail post.”
Dubbed the National Internet Intelligence Investigations Team, or NIIIT for short, presumably because “Ministry of Meme Suppression” didn’t pass the branding workshop, the squad will operate out of Westminster, identifying posts that could lead to “public disorder” or a sudden outbreak of tweets written entirely in uppercase.
Critics have already dubbed the move Orwellian, which is only surprising in that it took nearly eight minutes before someone shouted “1984!” and made a TikTok about it while wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. Reform UK’s Nigel Farage called the plan “sinister and dangerous,” which is rich coming from a man who once tried to deport half of Belgium because someone sneezed in a Brussels beer garden.
Shadow Home Secretary Chris Philp accused Labour of “trying to police opinions”, which would be a stunning plot twist if his party hadn’t spent the last decade introducing laws that make it illegal to protest, dance too aggressively near oil fields, or make jokes about Priti Patel.
Police say the move is in response to fears of summer riots, particularly those sparked by social media misinformation, angry emojis, or that one bloke in a hi-vis vest who always ends up leading marches because he owns a megaphone and has opinions.
Angela Rayner, meanwhile, suggested that the Government still needs to “address real concerns,” which in Westminster means looking sincerely concerned while doing absolutely sod all.
Back in Rochdale, locals were confused. “Does this mean I can’t say my cousin Dave’s a knobhead on Facebook anymore?” asked one man, staring at his phone like it might arrest him. “He is a knobhead. I’ve got screenshots.”
The new unit will reportedly rely on “internet intelligence,” which is ironic given that Britain’s average broadband speed is slightly slower than a tortoise reading War and Peace. Funding for the scheme remains uncertain, though early drafts of the plan suggest it may involve confiscating your nan’s iPad if she posts one more Minions meme about Brexit.
In the meantime, residents are urged to think carefully before sharing opinions online. Unless, of course, those opinions are about bins, potholes, or how no one’s made a decent cuppa since Thatcher left office, those remain enthusiastically protected under the Ancient Ranting Rights Act (Rochdale edition, 1978).
